Laura's Baggage

BITCH PLEASE

I have never really understood when a guy describes a girl as high maintenance. Are you a human? Then that automatically qualifies you as being high maintenance. Before you write a girl off as being high maintenance please take the below quiz.

1. Does your body require you to eat a minimum of 3 times a day? 

2. If you go 4-5 hours without eating does your stomach want food in it? Food that tastes good? 

3. If you don’t drink water will you die???

4. Do you ever get tired and need to nap or sleep? Isn’t it nice to be in a comfortable bed with clean sheets?

5. If you spend the night at someone else’s house do you kind of wish that you had your stuff or perhaps a toothbrush so that you can rest easy that you aren’t grossing someone out?

6. If you are cold do you ever wish that you had a fucking blanket? 

7. Do you ever look in the mirror before you leave the house in the off chance that you might meet someone who you might want to play doctor with?

8. When you see an adorable baby are you like hey look its an adorable baby giggling in footy pajamas with baby ducks all over them or does that shit just bum you out? 

9. Sometimes do you just want to hang out with your friends and fart and watch sports? Yea? Well we like to talk loud at restaurants and complain and you weren’t invited to the vagina party so chill out.

10. Do you like having sex with us? Cool, then guess what? You’re going to have to hear us talk about how our friend Gina hurt our feelings yesterday. It ends in sex so just quit being a selfish prick, nod, rub our back and say “that Gina sounds like she is just jealous of you.” Easy!

11. Remember that one time I bought you a really cool knife for no reason? Wasn’t that awesome? Well guess what? I love leather purses but I would settle for a block of cheese or even a card on my birthday with something nice written in it.

12. When you are driving your car do you like it when I tell you to slow down? Me either because that shit is annoying.

13. Do you like your apartment to smell like stank or would it be cool if we lit a candle that smells like figs and cedar? IS THAT OK BRO?

14. When I take a long time in the bathroom I come out looking radiant FOR YOU. When you take a long time in the bathroom you stink up the house and make me love you less.

I DONT THINK IM BEING UNREASONABLE HERE!!!!!

DONT TALK TO ME

I hate talking to strangers. Why would I want to chit chat with you in an elevator about the weather?? I actually started taking the service elevator at work to avoid conversing with people. I don’t want to talk about how were both standing in line and it’s taking too long. I don’t want to talk about work or your husband if I don’t fucking know you/them. If I wanted to know that your dad doesn’t love you I would go see you strip or be a therapist. I DONT GIVE A SHIT. Below are the only reasons you ever need to engage me in a conversation.

1. You are really funny.

2. You are giving me money (courtesy of @nickcedergren).

3. This conversation is going to lead to us having sex.

4. You are a close personal friend who I have many years history with.

5. I am tolerating you for an expensive meal I cannot afford.

6. You are buying me drinks to get me drunk for a sloppy make out.

7. You are a dog.

8. You are giving away food samples at Costco.

9. You have been to outer space.

10. You have gossip about an ex or my ex’s new girlfriend or my ex’x ex girlfriend.

11. You are a sassy black lady.

12. You are Colin Farrell.

13. You are my/a therapist.

14. You want to tell me how pretty and funny and special and wonderful I am.

15. You are selling me taxidermy.

16. We are in Mexico and you are a sexy polo player who doesn’t speak English who wants to take me on some kind of Vicki Christina Barcelona adventure.

17. You are my TV.

I really appreciate you all abiding by these simple rules.

Thanks,

Management